Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
