In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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