A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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