I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
