I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
