did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
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Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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