A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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