I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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