If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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