his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
