He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
