So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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