MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
