oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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