Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
