We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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