i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
