i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you didnt know i had herpes?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
