I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
