my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
