Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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