I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
