We need to rekindle our bromance
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
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I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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