you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
