I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
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hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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