don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
