Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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