Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
