I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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