Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
