Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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