I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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