Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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