It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
