apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Boobs speak an international language.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
