Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
