I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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