And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
