Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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