I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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