Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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