I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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