I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I need moral support for this bender
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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