Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
