my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
