Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
