Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
