do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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