his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
