I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Come share oat with me in your robe
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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