so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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