I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
