Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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