y did u give ur computer a hand job?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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